the first

When it gets hard
and the weight of
everything burns,
remember

You were the first
to love this body
and soul.

Poem by Jessica Grace Sparks

Rest

Be gentle with yourself.
After a day of giving,
even the light needs rest.

Poem by Jessica Grace Sparks

Seeing Myself as Worthy

The past few weeks I’ve come to realize that I’m way too hard on myself. I never speak up or share my feelings because I think they aren’t worth sharing.

This started some weeks back as I was lying in bed with my boyfriend and we were talking about my hair. For the last 2 months I’ve been growing my hair out. It’s hard since my hair is very fine and thin, but I started to take better care of it and not dye it. So, since I haven’t dyed it my natural hair color has begun to rear itself ugly head.

There, that’s where it started.

I described my natural hair color to my boyfriend as “boring mousy brown”. He looked at me and, before looking back up at the ceiling, said: “I think you’re too hard on yourself.”

I didn’t really have a response.

I started to think about myself; I thought about how I view myself and how I think about myself (and, from there, how I talk about myself). Generally, I am not the kind of person who defends themselves when their opinions are dismissed or their feelings rejected. I’ve convinced myself that whatever I’m feeling is silly and it would be a waste to talk about it.
Deep down I have this fear that I am not enough.

This is not healthy.

After spending days and days re-evaluating how I view myself, from what I think, to how I speak, about my feelings and my body even, I’ve decided that I need to start thinking of myself, my thoughts, and my feelings as important. As worthy. Baring the pain and secretly crying when I have privacy has been my way of dealing with hurtful words (from criticism of my opinions to those of my body). It’s not working anymore.  I need to express my feelings and I need to see myself differently; I need to see myself as worthy.

I am worthy. What I think and what I feel is important and worth expressing.
I am enough.