Seeing Myself as Worthy

The past few weeks I’ve come to realize that I’m way too hard on myself. I never speak up or share my feelings because I think they aren’t worth sharing.

This started some weeks back as I was lying in bed with my boyfriend and we were talking about my hair. For the last 2 months I’ve been growing my hair out. It’s hard since my hair is very fine and thin, but I started to take better care of it and not dye it. So, since I haven’t dyed it my natural hair color has begun to rear itself ugly head.

There, that’s where it started.

I described my natural hair color to my boyfriend as “boring mousy brown”. He looked at me and, before looking back up at the ceiling, said: “I think you’re too hard on yourself.”

I didn’t really have a response.

I started to think about myself; I thought about how I view myself and how I think about myself (and, from there, how I talk about myself). Generally, I am not the kind of person who defends themselves when their opinions are dismissed or their feelings rejected. I’ve convinced myself that whatever I’m feeling is silly and it would be a waste to talk about it.
Deep down I have this fear that I am not enough.

This is not healthy.

After spending days and days re-evaluating how I view myself, from what I think, to how I speak, about my feelings and my body even, I’ve decided that I need to start thinking of myself, my thoughts, and my feelings as important. As worthy. Baring the pain and secretly crying when I have privacy has been my way of dealing with hurtful words (from criticism of my opinions to those of my body). It’s not working anymore.  I need to express my feelings and I need to see myself differently; I need to see myself as worthy.

I am worthy. What I think and what I feel is important and worth expressing.
I am enough.

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Published by Jessica Buck

Librarian (MLIS). BA in English & Renaissance Studies from UCSB. Poet, coffee drinker, Austen reader, book lover, and total geek: Star Wars, Doctor Who, Firefly, Harry Potter, etc.

4 thoughts on “Seeing Myself as Worthy

  1. You’ve taken the words right out of my mouth! I’ve just finished a blog about negative self talk too. It’s the worst! Why do we do it ourselves? We are most definitely WORTHY! Great piece!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! It’s amazing how easily the negative self talk comes to us; looking at ourselves critically is second nature. It’s hard to start going easy on yourself – I’m struggling – but it’s the best thing! Liberating and scary all at once. Yes, we are all WORTHY! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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